‘I earned six figures but my husband made sure I was left with nothing’: Inside an economically abusive marriage
Amy* knew her husband could kill her – he made sure of that.
She’d known for 25 years of violence and sexual abuse, but when a doctor warned her children were in danger, she was finally ready to leave.
Yet Amy, once the director of a large company earning six figures, had no money. He’d made sure of that, too.
“What he did financially was to make sure that I became powerless,” says Amy.
“I was totally beholden to him.”
Amy is one of potentially millions of victims, mainly women, who have experienced economic abuse – when someone restricts or exploits their partner’s access to money and resources like food, clothing and transportation.
A survey of 3,000 women by charity Surviving Economic Abuse (SEA) found 15% had been impacted in the year to November 2024, which would be equivalent to 4.1 million across the UK.
Keir Starmer has called it a “national emergency” as the government gears up to announce a new Violence Against Women and Girls (VAWG) strategy within the next few weeks.
Its aim is to halve violence against women and girls in a decade, after the last VAWG strategy initiated by the Conservatives in 2021 made “little progress”, according to the National Audit Office.
SEA, which advocates for people like Amy, has watched on as successive governments have failed to tackle the issue despite launching strategy after strategy.
It is hoping this time is different and that economic abuse is a key focus for the government.
“It’s the only way to help survivors and their children escape and safely rebuild their lives,” says chief executive Sam Smethers.
“To break the cycle of domestic abuse once and for all, the government must put tackling economic abuse at the heart of its strategy.”
Most perpetrators do not economically abuse in isolation, combining it with
physical, emotional and sexual abuse.
Some 56% of
women who experienced economic abuse from a current or ex-partner also faced other
abusive behaviour.
‘He was terrifying’
Amy was trying to break a cycle of escalating bullying, violence and sexual assault.
“He had become so confident that he could act with impunity,” she says.
“He was saying to me, ‘I’m really comfortable with the idea of your death now. I think when you die it will be in a car crash’.”
She continues: “He was terrifying. He meant it. And I know he meant it because he’d done a number of things in the marriage where I nearly died at his hands.
“So I know he was more than capable of killing me.”
Almost a quarter (23%) of victims of economic abuse say it prevented them from leaving the relationship, according to SEA.
‘It’s all about control’
When Amy first met her ex-husband at work in the mid-90s, he “seemed like a normal bloke”.
After the pair married a year later and had children, he encouraged her to leave her job, move to a new, socially isolated area and become a stay-at-home mum.
“It was much more subtle and much cleverer than demanding to see bills,” she says.
Once the sole earner, he kept the family accounts private, giving Amy a monthly allowance with which she was expected to pay all the household bills bar the mortgage, which he kept in his name.
He monitored her food to ensure she ate cheaper brands than him and controlled the clothes she bought to the point she had no outfits suitable for anything other than the school run.
“It’s all about control,” says Amy.
“It’s like a drug. He needs a supply of control to keep him going. The more control he has, the better he feels about himself. He uses money as a control tool.”
‘National emergency’
It didn’t stop with the end of the relationship.
Amy says he drained her finances by prolonging divorce proceedings and raising a court dispute.
He inconsistently paid maintenance payments she depended on to look after their children, for whom she had full custody. He offered them money to make contact.
“It’s more than just economic control – it’s a weapon used by abusers to trap victims/survivors, leaving them powerless, drowning in debt and often forced to choose between staying trapped with a dangerous abuser or destitution,” says SEA’s Smethers.
“This national emergency demands action.”
Jess Phillips, safeguarding and violence against women and girls minister, told Sky News she understood the “devastating impact” that economic abuse has on thousands of women each year.
“No woman should ever be trapped in an abusive relationship because of the suffering they will face if they try to leave, whether that is the threat of physical violence or the prospect of being plunged into poverty and homelessness.”
Phillips said the government had allocated £160m for local authorities to give victims safe accommodation and access to social housing without having to prove a local connection to an area.
“We have also continued to fund Surviving Economic Abuse, to raise awareness of this devastating crime, and support its many victims,” she added.
“We will set out more detail in our upcoming strategy.”
You can find out how to recognise the signs of domestic abuse and where to get help on the NHS website here.
Anyone feeling emotionally distressed can also call Samaritans for help on 116 123 or email jo@samaritans.org in the UK. In the US, call the Samaritans branch in your area or 1 (800) 273-TALK.
*Amy is a pseudonym